What Is and What Should Never Be...

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My new house.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. It's been good. And it has also prevented me from getting any type of sound sleep at all. I have two huge finals tomorrow, the first starting at 8am, and have no intention of crawling into bed anytime soon.
The fact that my over active mind prevents my sleeping is quite frustrating, but I've come to accept it.

Anyway, I think just because it is the end of a school year -- not just any school year, my first year away from home at college-- I've been doing some reflecting upon everything that's happened to me thus far.
I'm not going to bore you with the details of my oh-so-dull (for now) life, and I'm sure if you read far enough back in this blog you could get the just of that anyway (I tend to ramble). But there's just a few general, but major, things I've noticed about myself and really learned about myself since I came to school and really grew up, I guess.

This year has been full of changes for me--a lot of changes. These changes introduced me to levels of emotion that I wasn't aware I had and, to be honest, kind of wish I didn't know about. I think I have cried more tears this year than the past years of my life combined. It's funny, really. I used to pride myself on being that girl who was too strong to cry in front of people; the girl who was always smiling not because I was particularly happy at all times, but because I liked being that person. I liked making people happy because I was always happy. I believe, and hope, that I still am that person...just with the extra stress that growing up brings along with it now attached.

The biggest thing on my mind, naturally, is my future. I wonder if I think about my future the average amount that others my age do, or an abnormally high amount. If I had to guess, I would say I'm borderline abnormally high.
I'm not stressed over my future per say. I don't have much to stress about because I'm on the road to where I'm going. It's just a slow road. A very slow road which I'm sure will have a bunch, A BUNCH, of detours because, well, it's me and I'm too clumsy and unlucky to have a smooth ride. (I sound like a high school guidance counsellor).
I think for me, when I think about my future I'm more curious than anything. I know what I want to do, but I'm excited to get there.

I've just been thinking about myself, I suppose. I guess that's all I really wanted to blog about. I just needed to write, quiet my brain down for a bit.
I think I'm going to change some things about myself, because I've learned this year that there are some things that need to be changed.

It's been an interesting ride so far.
My life, that is. I'm not sure where I'll be in 20 years, but if I've learned anything this think I'm more concerned with who I'll be.


The other day a good friend of mine told me how great of a person I am to talk to, and how I am always able to cheer him up because he knows he can talk to me.

If all else fails in my life, I hope to always be that person for at least someone out there.

I haven't been sleeping properly lately.
I blame it on my over-thinking, stressed out head and a little bit on my genes (my mom hasn't had a full nights sleep since she was 15 years old).
It's exam and final essay time, and I feel like I have a constant headache. If it weren't for the beautiful weather we've been having, the likelihood of me going insane would be much higher. All in all, I am just not a pleasure to be around right now. I just want to get schoolwork over with and for summertime to come. If summer is any better.. right now thinking of summer stresses me out even more. I have no job lined up and other aspects of my life aren't looking too bright for the mid summer months.

I wish I didn't care so much about so many things, because then I would be my regular happy self at all hours of the day. However--lately especially-- I haven't been myself and am pushing a lot of people away because of it.

Anyway, downer, let's stop emo-ing it up.

I woke up at 8:00 this morning, against my will of course, and have been up ever since. Very silly. I don't have class until 2 and have literally nothing to do in this house. My room is spotless because this happened to me last week and I cleaned it to pass the time, and I can't afford the gas to do a random drive around (my faaav hobby).
Soo here I am, sitting in my PJ's listening to some Floyd and considering getting high.. is that a good idea before class? I have 4 hours of class this afternoon, so probably not. I am also driving home right after so I have just made up my own mind. There will be no chance for sleep until at least 8 this evening.

So turn it on, turn it in, and stay hooked.

Do this;
"Siberian Breaks" -MGMT
"Everytime You Go" -The Hip
"Horizon" -Rachael Yamagata

Since summer for me is around the corner (only 2 more weeks of school, thank god) I think it's appropriate that I get back to this blog and start writing like I used to.

There's something about being away at school that is somewhat...uninspiring to me, ironically. One would think that the fact that I'm in primarily English and Lit courses would make me want to do nothing but write when I have some free time, but to be honest, I barely want to write when I'm at school. I barely want to read, either. So, I must congratulate my college on doing something to me that I never thought possible-- taking away the pleasure that reading for fun has always brought to me in my 19 years of living.
However, once I've escaped my University city and am back in the bedroom in which I sat and read Catcher for the first time, my inspiration is right back to the level I feel it needs to be to write again. Isn't that ironic... when I'm away at college I have no desire to read or write, but as soon as I'm home that's all I want to do. Perhaps it's because I have more time to think at home? That's kind of a shitty assumption on my part, because there's no denying that when in London I go to class for 2 hours a day and spend the rest watching mindless tv with my roommates or spending my money irresponsibly on dinners out and beer.

Right now, I am lying in my teeny, tiny uncomfortable bed staring outside at the lovely snowfall that has graced our presence on this April morning. It's like a little punishment.. a little "haha gotcha!" from God after the past 2 weeks of flippin summer we've been having.
Sigh. I'm not too upset though... I have an essay and a few assignments to do today, so the snow isn't really ruining my Friday as much as others.
(insert one of the many Facebook statuses I have seen today: "OMG FML FUCK YOU SNOW I HATE YOU")

In other news from my super exciting life, I got a Macbook! That's right people, I am no longer a shitty PC (my third Dell laptop in 4 years crashed on me last Friday) user. I have upgraded. And it is true what they say..once you go mac, you never go back. I can't imagine having to use a PC after using a Mac. This thing is like magic. Is that a little too much?
But f'real. I can do so much on it. Plus, it's just beautiful. To look at and stuff.
Siigh... I think I've fallen hard.

What else, what else..

The new MGMT album is out. Actually, it's not released yet, but the band (being a duo of sex) has leaked it themselves on their website. I've been on the site daily, playing the album from beginning to end. Their sound is definitely a bit different... I think they purposely wanted to make it a little stranger because they weren't enjoying the mainstream "electropop" image Oracularspectacular got them. And it seems to be working... I've seen many comments on the new album along the lines of "wtf is this shit?" and "ok why are they so weird now?".
Personally, I fucking love Congratulations.
Yes, I needed to swear to emphasis the love I feel for it. It's a good different, for me. I think it definitely matches their personalities (or, at least what I feel their personalities would be like) very well. I got high last night and listened to it in bed, and it was the greatest experience. Do it.

It is 11:41 and I am thinking it's time for a nap. I have somewhere to be at 1...but if I opt not to wash my hair, sleep may be an option.

If you didn't know me and read this blog, I probably seem like such a dirtbag.
Good!
Get out of here if you don't know me.
...Kidding, you can stay if you like my blog because not many people read it, so it's nice to have company.

So, I'm not going to complain about the pain in this entry. I'll just say it's probably about the same as yesterday..maybe a little worse. Whatever.

This recovery has been hard pain wise, of course. But it's also been extremely hard mentally. I know a recovery from a surgery is obviously painful, but a lot of people probably see it as relaxing- a time to watch tons of movies and be waited on.
But it has not been relaxing for me. I hate it.

It's probably the fact that I've been at home for a full week while most of my life is back in London. Normally, a week at home would be awesome if I were actually able to do things like visit old friends and hangout with my family. But just sitting here, in bed, knowing all of my friends are out just doing what they do and having fun kills me.
It probably kills me more than it should, and I blame all my medication for altering my emotions.
I literally just sit here moping, on the verge of tears, scowling at Facebook when it informs me of things people are doing, or new picture albums of the latest party pop up.
My emotions have been running so high that I've picked fights with my boyfriend and friends living in London simply because they haven't been as concerned as I want them to be, ahnd haven't been texting me to see how I'm feeling every day..which is probably an exageration and sounds pretty selfish, but I think for these 2 weeks I'm allowed to be selfish.
I have been basing my happiness soley on the commuication I have with the outside world (what little there is) so when I go a couple of days without recieving "How are you feeling?" texts from certain people, I get a tad upset.

Once again..it's the drugs. But I'll admit, during the times when I'm not high, it still bothers me a bit.

I have been awake since 10 this morning and the fact that it is only 2 is mindblowing. I feel like I've been up for a full day. I am completely out of movies to watch. My grandma has invited me to spend the night at her place, where I know I'll be treated like royalty (ahh gotta love grandparents), but the thought of packing things up and driving over there makes me want to crawl into bed.

I am going to go run myself a bubble bath, pop some more T3s, and then we'll see where I stand.
If anyone reads this, pray for me.

:)

Okay. It is the fifth day of my recovery and by far the WORST. Oh yes, I said it. I am officially off the strong pain meds (as I "should no longer need them by now"..PAH) and am on tylenol and tons of fluids. I have never experienced such shearing, brutal throat pain. Ever. Never. EVER. And yes, I may be a little extra edgy due to my boredom and repetitive days of staring at the stupid television screen and meaningless television shows.

I'm at that stage of boredom and being miserable when I can't think of anything to improve my mood. Nothing makes me smile. Not the thought of finally seeing my friends or my boyfriend again, or the thought that in a week I'll be (hopefully) almost as good as new. Because honestly, in the state I am in now, it feels like I am never going to get better. I'm so bad that i'm starting to panic that something went wrong in my surgery. Maybe they messed up and I am never going to get my voice back, or I am going to be in pain forever.
I am literally just sitting here, on the the verge of tears (I would cry but it hurts too much), listening to Michael Buble (yeah.. it's probably the meds...don't know what that's about) and being the most down I've been in a good 4 years.

If you haven't had your tonsils out, I probably sound like a whining, over exaggerating baby. And I am being whiny, I understand that. And if you had your tonsils out as a child, you can't compare. Tonsillectomies in adults are "MUCH more complicated procedures with a much more intense and lengthy recovery". My risk of having complications after the surgery and needing to be rushed back to the hospital are a lot greater too, which is something that has been on my mind a lot these past couple of painful days.

Wow, this is such a depressing blog.

I would like to apologize. I hope I read this in a few weeks and just laugh at how out of it and miserable I was.

But seriously.
Someone save me, please.

Oh. Did I mention it's also beautiful outside? The sun won't stop shining, and spring is in the air. Just lovely.

PeacePeaceLovePeaceBlahBlahBlahBlah

So, I missed a day. The best part is I kept thinking about blogging yesterday, but because I was drugged out of my mind I kept thinking that I already had.

Here's the deal. It is the third day of my recovery and I am a mess.. today it probably the worst. It truly does feel like having tonsillitis three times in one. I can't talk; I have been using my speech tool on my computer to narrate things that I type. It's kind of fun, but starting to get old.

To make matters worse, my body is reacting terribly to my painkillers. I'm on percocets, and have to take 2 every 4 hours. It's making me SO sick. I can't stop throwing up, which is not good for my stitched up and sore throat. I am going to need to lessen it to having 1 pill every 4 hours, which may not be so nice for my throbbing throat.

I feel like I'm constantly high...I don't even know what I'm writing here. I'm just writing. And all I can do with myself is go on Facebook, read (which is too much effort a lot of the time... it makes me dizzy), and watch TV. I can't believe I have a good 5-6 days left of this!

I'm at a point where I feel like my throat is never going to heal. I'm driving myself crazy.

It's about 8:00 pm. I woke up from my surgery at around 2:00. I was high as hell, because they put some nice ol morphine in my IV. I don't remember much, except I know I told my nurse she had "gorgeous white hair" over and over again. After that, I had to stay at the hospital for much longer than normal. I didn't leave until about 6 because my body reacted with the anesthesia and I was throwing up non-stop for literally about an hour. THAT was brutal...throwing up when your throat has just been freshly chopped at and stitched up does NOT feel nice.

Ironically, having my tonsils removed feels exactly like it did when I had a serious bought of tonisillitis, times 3. The rest of my body feels fine, but my throat is a mess. I don't even attempt to talk, and swallowing is a pain. I can do it- but most of the time I just spit everything out. The worst part is that I am absolutely starving- juts ravenous. My family had roast beef for dinner and I can still smell it. It's driving me crazy.

I'm on percs for the pain. Honestly, they don't seem to be working as well as I thought they would. They make my throat a little less sore but definitely don't kill the pain as much as I hoped they would.

I'm about to try to get some chicken broth down. I need some sort of food. I've decided my TV show of choice during my recovery is going to be Friends. I used to be a full on addict but haven't watched any episodes for a couple years, so I'm going to refresh.

Will keep updating to anyone who is reading this. I'm sure it's actually no one, but hey, writing passes the time an distracts me.

Well, it is almost midnight and in less than 12 hours I will be getting my tonsils out. I decided since I will be home doing nothing (but dying in pain) I am going to blog daily about how my recovery is going.

I am going to be high as a kite for the first few days I'm sure. Sigh. I'm really nervous, to be honest. Surgeries really freak me out. I have too big of an imagination for stuff like this.

I'm not going to write more because I'm in the middle of watching something and can't really stay focussed. But just thought I'd give anyone reading this a heads up that you can expect some daily moaning from me for the next week or so.
I'm hoping I'll be okay to blog tomorrow, at least by night time. But we will see. Ugh.

Wish me luck!

LoveLovePeaceLove